Omg, I made a student cry...if it's a girl, I wouldn't be so guilty, but it's a boy. I was astounded when I saw that. It never crossed my mind that he would cry, for he's always the happy-go-lucky boy. I shan't mention his name to save him from further embarrassment, let's call him D then. Gosh, the tears just welled up in his eyes. I punished D to write a 250-word reflection for lying to me. He went to the toilet without permission at the beginning of my English period and lied that Mr Syamsul had given him the permission. Then he claimed that he had written a 255-word reflection, and I found out that it was only 246 words when I asked Firdhaus to count it.

I decided to speak to him after all that, because I don't believe in punishing a student without finding out the reason, (maybe he had his own difficulty or problem) and advise him on what he should try to do. D has changed quite a bit, even Mr Ong commented that he was getting more and more playful and mischievous. I can't really remember the exact sentence that i said, but when i turned to look at him, his eyes were wet. I was dumbfounded. He claimed that some sand had flown into his eyes. I told him that dirt would be a better excuse. I have this soft spot for guys who cry, because I strongly believe that guys would only shed their tears when something really sad and drastic happen to them. My heart would sink when guys cry and I would be so flustered. Maybe he's worried about the consequences he had to face when he asked his dad to sign the reflection.Maybe he's truly sorry for what he had done. Maybe he's reflecting on his mistakes. Maybe I have said things that made him sad and apologetic. Maybe I have hit a raw nerve in his heart. He didn't tell me the real reason, to uphold his dignity as what he proclaimed. He knew the answer best, the egoistic D refused to admit it and just made up some silly excuses.

Hmm...come to think of it, he's the fifth boy to cry in front of me. Three were from my form class last year. Two of them cried after I've scolded them for their misbehaviour. One cried because I've confiscated his game cards. He claimed that those cards were very precious to him, that's why he cried. The last one cried because I've confiscated his tie. I guess when they were Sec 1 last year, the boys were still very vulnerable, so that was why they cried. When they think of it now, I presume they would laugh it off. I wouldn't want to be labelled as an evil teacher who made boys cry. I'm not so sadist k...

Some boys from my form class stayed back to serve their punishment (helping teacher seems like a nicer word). They were pasting the MCs and letters for me and slotting it into the plastic folder, together with the photocopied progress cards according to their index numbers. If I see it from a positive point of view, it's not a bad idea to punish them. While they were doing their work, we chatted. I guess it's more of an informal setting and they were less reserved. They discussed and joked about issues related to their classmates and teachers that we seldom talkeed about in class on a formal setting. I saw a different side of Firdhaus, Ramzan, Ashiq and Haddad, not bad though.

Oh Jacqueline is bringing the whole class (3T1) plus her form class (4T2) to the movie to watch Coach Carter (not sure if I've spelt correctly) on 22nd April. They asked me if I'm going and I joked that they didn't even invite me, so I can't be thick-skinned and just tagged along. They invited me to go. (The girls did speak to me about this before and I was teasing those boys to see their reactions.) I told them what if the rest of the class don't welcome me and didn't want me to go? Haha...you should have seen their reactions and what they had said. I was sort of pleased when I saw the ways they reacted, it's hard to describe those feelings, but it sort of affirm something which I find it hard to put those feelings into words. Hmm...if the class is well-behaved for the next 3 weeks, maybe I'll treat them to popcorns and drinks. I've not gone to the movies for ages and this is the first time I'm going with my whole class.

Oh, I asked some boys to stay back on Wednesday to do some of their CPA assignments. While they were doing their work and I was marking my stuff, I looked up and from the glass windows, I saw QH, CS and JCWJ playing soccer at the corridor outside their class. I stood there for quite some time and they were still kicking happily without noticing my existence. (Qh claimed that they were not kicking but merely passing the ball). I confiscated the ball and they wanted to redeem it. Initially, I thought maybe getting them to read their SR books for half an hour will do as their punishment. Oh they were glad to do that because the lab was air-conditioned. In the end, I got them to file the MCs and letters for me and sort them according to their index numbers. (Oh my class seldoms have full attendance, so I've plenty of MCs and letters.)

While they were helping me with that, they were complaining about their new Maths teacher and the way she talked and taught. I guess that's an avenue to them to voice their grievances, a way for me to stay updated with what's happening to them. It's not that I'm keeping tabs or checking on them, rather, it's a way for me to know what's happening to them and to make sure that everything is going on fine for them. Since I'm not their form teacher anymore and I no longer teach them, I can only rely on that 10 minutes during recess time to talk to them and help them in whatever way i can, compared to 8 periods a week in the past. Sometimes, if time permits, I would go online and chat with them through msn. They were quite closed to me last year as my form class, we spent a year together last year, I wouldn't want to lose touch with them just like that. Though things are no longer the same as compared to the past, I wouldn't want to dump them away like that and ignore them just because I've my own form class to take care of, one which requires more attention and patience from me, that's never my intentions. I still want to care for them and touch their lives just like what I've done for them last year. My only fear is that they will feel that I'm interfering too much and invading into their privacy. I'll be glad to know if things are going on fine for them, but if i do know that some of them are not performing up to expectations, or not behaving properly, I would want to talk to them and persuade them to do well for their own good. I would definitely want the best for them and hope they excel and go to a good class next year. I will continue to pray for the best for them, and not forgetting my form class this year.

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Monday, March 14, 2005

The cruel truth that I'm no longer the form teacher of 2E3 struck me really hard on that particular day. It was on a Friday, if i remembered correctly. I was in the staff room working on the computer and Wei Chung was sitting beside me. Sean came to speak to him regarding some issues, I think Phillson's soccer ball was confiscated by Wei Chung and it was sort of Sean's fault and he was supposed to get it back from him.

Wei Chung was scolding Sean, and Sean was trying to explain things to him. But Wei Chung didn't really accept his explanation. I held on to Sean's arm and tried to stop Sean from arguing further lest he got into more trouble with Wei Chung. Sean gave me a look and I could still remember it clearly. Somehow, his eyes said a thousand words. From his eyes, I could see the anger in his eyes, and how irritated and pissed off he was. Maybe I was too sensitive, but the look he gave me told me that he was angry with me too. Why am I not helping him nor speaking up for him? I felt that so strongly. I tried to explain to Sean but at that point of time, I knew that no words could go into the ears that were blocked with anger. I suggested to Wei Chung that why not let Sean sweep the floor for a week to redeem the ball. He didn't take my suggestion and refused to return the ball to him.

At that moment of time, the cruel fact that I'm no longer Sean's form teacher struck me. I could no longer try to speak up for Sean when he's in trouble. Ultimately, the decision lay with his form teacher, Wei Chung and not me. He would decide what he wanted to do to Sean. I no longer have any say in this at all.

In the past, when Sean got into trouble with other teachers, I could handle it for him and try to rationalise things with him when he had cooled down. That would be the time when Sean could understand what had gone wrong and would accept the punishment gracefully. But I no longer have the right to do so at all. After a few months of interaction with him, I sort of understand him and know what works best for him. But I could no longer put those understanding to good use anymore.

At that point of time when Sean left the staff room, i felt so bad. There's nothing i can do for him when he's in trouble. In the past, whenever my students were in trouble, i would try my best to help them, help them to verbalise their feelings and help them to see things from another point of view. They are still at the growing stage where they need a lot of guidance, people to rationalise things with them and explain things to them with patience. Yet at that point of time, my hands were tied, there's nothing I can do. If I were to do more, Wei Chung might see me as interfering with the way he's disciplining his students and overstepping my boundaries. But at the same time, I can't pretend nothing has happened and walked away just like that. I can't bring myself to do that to students who were in my form class last year, students who were so dear to me.

I talk to Sean during Computer Club. I was right. He denied it initially, but relented and told the truth. He was angry with me for not helping him and speaking up for him. I knew it, right from his eyes which conveyed his emotions. I told Sean that as much as I wanted to help him, the fact that I'm no longer his form teacher anymore denied me the power and the right to help him. But when someone like Syahid quarrelled with him and Shi Jie during computer club, I wouldn't allow them to be bullied and would definitely handle that matter for them. When I explained all these to him, I couldn't bring myself to say all that to him...those hurtful truth. Would Sean understand the difficult position that I was in or would he continue to blame me? After the talk, Sean seems to understand, so it's a relief. Hope he truly understands.

I have heard a lot about 2E3...from how the boys disturb the girls to them changing in class. The worst was people not doing their work and getting people to copy lines for them, or copying Literature or History homework during Mother Tongue lesson. The ultimate i think it's paying people to copy things for you. Simply wasting papa's hard-earned money just like that. Simply detest this kind of son who only knows how to waste papa's money when they don't even know how to earn money. It's so disappointing to hear things like that. They were not so bad last year. How come they have changed so drastically this year? Yet, when i heard such things, there's nothing much that i can do, except to talk to them personally, and hopefully they will try to change when they realise that the things they did were so childish and silly.

11:16 pm
Bee Lee

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Sunday, March 13, 2005

It's exactly one month since my last post. Initially, I told myself that I must make the effort to post at least once a week, but it seems that I could only update once a month. Right now, I'm trying to refresh my memory and pen my thoughts.

Finally, it's the holidays and I can relax a bit and slow down my pace. The last month had been hell trying to meet deadlines and more deadlines...having to key in the marks for the progress cards and typing in the remarks (oh the remarks for 3T1 is so different from the remarks that I keyed in for my form class last year), preparing for my lesson observation, busy with the common test marking and more markings, completing my assignment for my course, handling matters from my form class ranging from reminders, scoldings, talking and more talking (counselling seems like a nicer word).

I was encouraged to see the improvements made by my form class. Apart from the occasional scoldings, most of them know what is expected of them now. One look at them and they will get the signal to behave themselves. Even if they don't, their classmates will prompt them (their promptings are "shoutings"...sigh) to behave.

My major sense of fulfillment to date came from this student, Firdhaus. Although he was a repeated student, he's not one of those defiant students who would create a lot of problems, not those kind of outrightly rude student. The only problem i had was only his attendance. He was almost not in school for 21 days. I've been observing him, he would sit quietly at his seat and yet at the same time, he would seem so deep in thoughts as if he was troubled with a lot of problems. I was very tempted to talk to him and find out more from him.

During the chat with him, i found out a lot of things about him. I realised if i used the tone of reprimanding, he's not going to talk, so I tried to talk to him like what a friend would do. It worked, we talked about his family, his friends, his likes and dislikes, what he enjoyed doing, and most importantly, i managed to find out his problem and his difficulties. He was so clueless about his future, and didn't know what to do, living a aimless life. He didn't really like the rigidness of school life. If that's the case, the VP would encourage him to go to a vocational institute, but I'm not going to let him go like that, without me doing anything to help him. I persuaded him to stay on, telling him to give both of us a chance, a chance for me to help him path his future, and a chance for him to prove himself. I told him if he were to go to a VI just like that, i would be denied of the chance of fulfilling my role as a form teacher.

He wants to be a soccer player, just like QH. I told him it's good to pursue his dreams, but life is such. We are living in the world of reality. We have to settle the issue of bread and butter before we can talk about pursuing our dreams and goals. We talked about his future, what we can foresee in his future and within these two years, we are going to walk towards the future. I told him, I would still want to be his form teacher next year, and I don't want him to be retained or dropped out of school. He seems to understand all these, and he seems to be thinking too, not just staring blankly when i was talking to him. If it's Sylvester, he'll start to complain that I'm wasting time, but Firdhaus didn't, he didn't argue at all nor talk back.

After the talk, the VP asked me for my feedback, i told her that Firdhaus was not beyond hope, he was just clueless about his future and aimless about his life. I hope i can do something to help him, Rather, I must do something to help him.

I continued to observe him. I saw him putting effort in his work. His attendance was regular. I was pleased with his improvement. There was once he didn't turn up in school. I was so disappointed because I thought he had gone back to his old ways. But he turned up in the end. He woke up late. While the class was lining up in the carpark after recess, i waited for them outside the staff room. I saw him right in front of the line with Faheem. He saw me too. The natural behaviour of students was to keep quiet. He did more than that, he asked the class to keep quiet too. I was quite impressed really.

I spoke to him during one of the CPA lesson. I told him I wanted him to be in the top 15 positions. He kept quiet and thought about it. I thought he would reject the idea outrightly and said no, instead he said he would try. That was so encouraging for me.

It was not a bed of roses after that. There was once he didn't turn up on a Friday. I thought he woke up late and would turn up for lesson after that. He didn't. I had a feeling that he would turn up for NCC later because he really liked NCC and I was right. He looked so charismatic in his NCC uniform, commanding his platoon as a NCO. I'm pretty sure this boy is devoted to NCC and feels a sense of belonging in this CCA, one that allows him to exercise control and trains him physically and mentally. I spoke to him. I told him that I was disappointed with his no-show that day as he was supposed to sit for his CPA test, but i was proud of him as a NCO, showing his leadership qualities. His head hang low, seemed really apologetic for the things he had done. (the same reaction that QH would give if he was reprimanded). If it's other students, some of them couldn't care less.

He sat for the retest, I went through the textbook with him and Yu Sheng, the same thing that i went through with the class before the test. He was trying very hard to memorise the terms. I could see that. When he was doing the test, he was trying very hard to throw in those terms. He did very well, 41 1/2 out of 50. I know he can do very well if he puts in effort. He is quite smart actually.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that Firdhaus would continue to work hard. I really have high hopes on this guy. I'm confident that I can mould this guy to be a gem, a precious gem.

There's so much things that I want to update but I'm really tired now. My eyes are closing, it's no wonder cos it's almost 4.30 in the morning and I didn't realise the time. I better get some sleep soon as I need to be in school in the morning later to pack my table and file my stuff, it looks so messy and untidy with all those things piling up.

3:28 am
Bee Lee

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